The Dating Game, Is He the Right One?

I am over the top with concern about my girls and lady friends who are venturing the dating jungle. For some of you the thought of stepping into the dating game after a long sabbatical gives you hives. For some of you dating is not anything, it’s a free meal and interesting conversation. There are some of you that are excited to finally be old enough that your parents are finally acquiescing you to date.

You all are the ladies I want to talk to. I am going to give you a few things to mull over and hopefully something I say will be applicable to your lives. Because, if you are one of my girls you deserve the best, and I want you to give you ways where you can lay flags down that you can grab easily as warnings.

We grow up dreaming about our handsome prince, about the strong cowboy, about the Doctor, Lawyer, or the body builder who will sweep us off our feet with flowers, candlelight dinners, walks in the park and whisper sweet nothings in our ear. Our binge watching of romantic flicks like Sabrina, Kate and Leopold, The Wedding Planner, or Cinderella have made our minds mush when it comes to reality. But, I’m here to tell you there is some truth of what we see on the movie screen and what we should expect from potential suitors.

First of all, have you really put things down on paper of what you desire and expect in a potential mate? WHAT? MATE? You said MATE… Yes, a mate. There is only one reason to date and that is to find the person whom you find compatible, a potential one whom you could marry. Because you never want to date someone who you couldn’t see yourself married to. My Granny told me that.

Step one. Let’s make a man plan. Write down at least 20 traits you think are very important for your potential husband to have, over time you may find that there are some things that aren’t as important as others and you can refine those things or even remove them from your list.  Let me share with you my list that was created a long time ago:

He must be a Christian that has a very strong walk with God

He must be a gentleman

He must enjoy Super Hero Movies and Star Wars

He must like kids
He must be willing to toss a football or a baseball

He must like old people
He must be willing to attend political functions and enjoy himself
He must have good behavior (no drinking, cussing, yelling or hitting)
He must be a hard worker
He must be financially stable

He must cherish me and love my kids

He must be an encourager
He must like dogs

He must like to travel

He must be self-assured

Let me assure you that there are all types of things you can put on your list. Age, height, weight, ect. Ect. Ect. The thing is you should be aware of what you want in a potential husband and don’t date those who fail to meet at least a portion of your must haves. Because we are human and we can easily be swept away and lose sight, and in so doing, get our heart strings broken, when the red flags start appearing. Love doesn’t have to be blind. There’s no reason to settle for relationships that are unhealthy or even harmful, because I guarantee you that you can’t change him, He is on his very best behavior now while you are dating him, it’s downhill or straight and narrow from this point on, it’s doesn’t get better.

God cares about you. He cares about the one you marry. And you can trust He will give guidance or even some red flags to be aware of along the way, thus the reason for the man plan and revisiting it periodically.

Now for you naysayers, No I’m not married, not right now. But I was married, I was married for almost 7 years to my best friend, and the plan you see above is almost exactly the same as it was before I met my husband. I added 3 things. J My husband has been gone for 16 years, but one day I’ll meet the next man God has planned for me, and I will review my man plan before I let my heart get away. Just as you should check off each item with each potential suitor, some might be far from the items on your list, while others will surprise you on how well they match your list. The thing to remember is, that this list can grow and evolve, it’s not stagnate, because it’s you, its how you grow with each new relationship or heartache.  

Dating dos and don’ts

Think about this, if he asks you out to dinner and a movie, it is his responsibility to pay. ALWAYS! He is getting the pleasure of your company. When a man pays you don’t owe him anything except a "Thank You." Some women feel it’s just polite to offer to pay. Others feel compelled to pay so they don’t owe a man anything in exchange for dinner. This is nonsense. You don’t owe a man anything when he buys you dinner except a gracious thank you and a warm smile. If he has other expectations, he is probably not the right man for you.

Now let me say this, there are a few exceptions and I mean very few scenarios where it is acceptable for a lady to pay for a man. Scenario one; if the two of you are wanting to see a movie together and you know he can’t pay, it is quite acceptable that you pay for yourself. Did you see that? It is OK that you pay for YOURSELF, remember, he needs to pay his own way or he doesn’t need to go. Just saying.  Scenario two; It’s his birthday. No need to say more.  Scenario three; say that you have been dating for some time and your anniversary is on the horizon, it is perfectly fine to surprise him with dinner and his favorite movie, or maybe a game of putt-putt.  

Remember this, you don’t have to have money to have a good time. There are many things you can do together that are not pricy. Going for a walk in the park, collect leaves on a hike, visit a museum, go window shopping after hours, enjoy a picnic. The thing to remember, here is that he should be engaged enough that he makes plans, those are the signs of a leader.

If you’re supporting your boyfriend and paying for everything now - this may not change much later. Is he a hard worker? Does he have a job? Is he a workaholic? Does he have secretive spending habits? Addiction to gambling? Insurmountable debt? Once married, these patterns can worsen when the stressors of family life and responsibilities mount high. Money problems and financial struggles are one of the main causes of divorce

There are many ways a man can show you that he cherishes you, without showering loads of money on you. Does he open your door? If you are driving and in need of fuel, does he hop out and fill your gas tank? If he sits in the car while you go pay and take on the dirty work of filling-up you might want to quickly mark him off your list.

Does he wash your windows? Does he suggest that you wash the car together? Did he take you on a walk and pick flowers then graciously hand them to you? When you walk together down the sidewalk does he walk on the side next to the road? If you trip on the sidewalk/floor/stairs does he reach out to steady you? Does he take the downward steps first or the upwards steps last? Does he put his phone down and look at you? Does he respect you and your values and lines, or does he try to belittle them?

Date a believer. Missionary dating and marriage will be a road of extra struggle. If you hold vastly different spiritual beliefs now, don’t falsely assume you’ll get him to “turn around,” or change his ways later.  Stick to your guns on what you really want Remember what you see now is the best it gets. Be careful not to settle for less than what God would want for the spiritual health and care of your marriage.

Nothing is impossible with God. Absolutely nothing. However it is a good idea to have those flags laid out to grab and make yourself revisit your man plan.

Waiting is hard, believe me, this is something I know better than most. What can you do? Pray, Pray that God will guide and give you wisdom. Pray that he will keep you in check, that you don’t try to escalate a relationship faster just because you want a relationship.  Ask for His protection and help in making the best choices about any relationship.

Believe the best about yourself. You are valuable, you are treasured by God. Do not believe the lies that you are “less than,” or need to settle for one you can’t fully trust, or may not treat you respectfully or lovingly. A good man will do more than proclaim his love for you he will cherish you and show you his love in a multitude of ways.

God is so good to us in so many ways. There is no way we can have it all figured out or be able to see what, or who, is ahead. But God knows. His timing is perfect. His ways are good. God is at work behind the scenes where we can’t see. Don’t think for a minute He’s forgotten you. He cares. He wouldn’t give us a desire to have a mate and not supply. It may be that we aren’t ready yet, or it could be that our future husband is not ready yet.